One Last Smoke

Every breath I breath is filled with pain-
-The Devil's gain
Caught in anageing dying shell

I am confined in this rattling coughing cadaver
Waiting for an end to leave this - breating Hell

Close your eyes and weep
Tar you sowed, death you reap
All this wealth, useless in your missery
You know the grane only takes one currency

Diagnosis clear, it’s terminal, the end of all
My lungs destroyed beyond repair
I should be crying but what good are tears-
-Against these fears
This burden is for me and me alone to bear

What forgiveness can I possibly receive
They've been gone so long I've forgotten-
- How to grieve
No one left to soothe my guilt riedden bones
I’ll have to walk this final road… Alone

One last smoke
One final cigarette


In The Silent Grave

Morning light bleeds into my room
As I ponder my impending doom
I almost long to be interred
My shameful tale will go unheard
In the silent grave

After all we are nothing
But a speck in death’s design
Breathing, choking, what’s the use in trying
To hang on to this farce called life

Graveyard skies and flesh that died
Soon I’ll take my place alongside
The guilty soul that dwell down here
End my sorrow, bury my fear
In the silent grave

What’s the use in lingering
Just like the memories of the dead
Haunting, cursing, my entire being
Won’t someone lift my useless body-
- from this God Damn Bed

You won’t find peace among the worms,
… in the silent grave
No salvation in this dirt
… in the silent grave


Origins Of Mourning

And thus the crawling begins
Upon a road of gravel and blood
I see your face… as you’re dying
And thus the suffering begins
Down the corridor of regret
I feel you lifeless shape cradled in my arms

And thus the bleeding begins
Along a trail of memories
I hear her voice… it breaks-
- As she’s crying
And thus the mourning begins
Inside these walls of apathy
I never knew how to ease her sorrow

How did you ever find the key?
Why did you open the cabinet?
The shining piece of deadly steel
So heavy in your tiny hands

The shot that tore the night in two
The blood that stained the carpet
The bag they put your body in
[Rogga:]
I wish they’d sealed my instead

Roses on a coffin… As you slowly sink-
- Into the earth
Mourners softly sobbing… I can’t even cry-
- I’m numb with hurt
We never stood a chance… our bond-
- so fragile
Where could we go from here… No where

And so I fled, into another world
A world inside my mind, not to be reached
Completed denial, this never happened
I had to shut her out to save-
- the last bits of my sanity

And so she fled, into another life
A life without me, without this grief
Complete estrangement, I let it happen
She had to get away, or torn to stone –
- just like me


Weep For Me

Bloodshot eyes awakend from an easy slumber
Limbs all white and stiff slowly coming to life
Sheets are drenched in sweat from nightly terrors
Joylessly a new dawn is welcomed
The day is wasted on rituals whithout meaning
As night descends the dreams return-
-... To fill my bed again

Blood shot eyes awaken from a restless slumber
Skin is white and cold, heart barely beats
Escaping slowly from drowsy realms of horror
Reluctant to awake yet terrified to sleep

Weep for me
Weep for what I have done
Cry like the cryers of ancient times

Weep for me
Weep for what I have done
There's no hope in hell it can ever-
- be undone

Going trought the motions
Keeping the madness at day
Blocking all emotions
For fear thel'll wash my soul away

Behind me the past comes clawing trough
The veils of guilt and suppression I drapped-
- Around you

My memory is obscured by clouds of time
I ask myself a painfull question, woud I still-
- recognize... my son

Running from what's comming
At least in my dreams I can run
Hiding from the blackness
That engulfs my room, my bed, my lungs

Behind my the past comes clawing trough
The years of grief and depression I sufferd-
- for you
My memory, little pieces still remain
I make myself a painfull promise-
- To visit your grave - My son...

Of Two Beginnings

"Can You see him?

Lying alone on that hotel room
but with her still present
in the warm of the sheets
and the taste in his mouth
and the sweet on his skin

He has walked the roads
turning bleak
a child of Entropia
setting himself on fire
seeking a distant past
for a way out

Challenging the concept
freedom
and youth
falling into the undertow

Can You see him now?"

She is twelve and I'm only ten
buried in this soft mountain of pillows
Parents away
She asks me have I been touched
Have I done the thing with anyone yet
Silence - a shy "no"

And there is nothing
That we'd rather share
Than that bodily warmth if we'd dare
But she's already twelve and I am
Just a child
WARM AND SHY

She's so OLD - already twelve and I am only ten
Than was me, young and free, there and then

Now in this hotel room I lie wondering who I am
Never quite as sure after a lie of questioning
Finding out at last that freedom is
A STATE OF MIND
But still not knowing how to get along with this mankind

...finding out at last that freedom is a state of mind...


Ending Theme

And so I find myself here once again - first step down Remedy Lane
Budapest you tore my world apart - well, here I am
Worn with rope ends on my mind, torn with blood scarred in my eyes
But now I'm back to shake that from my life

Ending Theme, ending theme
Ripping at the seams, for an opening

Back again at Deak Ter - I know I could have left her there
It was the feeling of leaving myself that I could not bear
The same old hotel room in Pest one night before the Sziget fest
Hungarian Princess will you share my rest?
To rest in my...

ENDING THEME
ENDING THEME
Ripping at the seams, for an opening

to be honest I don't know what I'm looking for - who to be
sitting here as once before, weeks ago - just waiting for a knock on that door
and I have left all I thought was me to find out, to make sure if it was you or me
that made me feel so free and real, but when we kiss I don't know, I just don't know
'cause it leaves a taste of emptiness, and I think What if I'm simply depressed?
blind, just finding rest from my mind here in Budapest?
confusing zest with the joy of being blessed with the bliss of self-escape as we kiss?
and mixing my being unstressed with your being undressed and the taste of being true
with the fresh taste of me and you as we touch? I don't know
but I saw so much of me in you, the me I've missed, the young and free in you
but still, that doesn't mean a thing, may not mean anything about my needing you
but I guess we had to meet, to be near; to make sure, and still my dear
beyond this bed and that door, to be honest, I fear I just don't know

ENDING THEME
ENDING THEME
Fanning flames to dreams of belonging
ENDING THEME
ENDING THEME
Ripping at the seams, for an opening

to be honest I don't know what I'm looking for...
lying here, watching you leave through that door



A Trace Of Blood

Touching ground Going home to those I miss
Safe and sound Weeks of exile turn to bliss
But there's something in her voice When she is calling me
A trace of blood to lead me
Through roads of agony With blood taste in my mouth
And clouds before my eyes
I kneel beside the bed Where my bleeding dryad lies

Three young souls in misery

Hitting ground Nausea wakes me up at dawn
Hopes are found
Dissected, turned and then
Withdrawn
A chair of steel and wire Her legs are open wide
Helpless in myself I stand there cold beside
The doctors stay away Leave us with this dismay
To see the colours of a miracle Fade and turn to gray

Then a cry and rivers of blood Flow so sadly
bringing you
Our dreams pour into a cold tray Two young souls in misery
Missing you

"How quickly the colors change
from blue to red to black
and why am I always away
wrapped up in something
unable to live with all this
love
I ask of the world to leave
to be silent and pretend
that it never happend"

I never knew your name but I will miss you just the same
I was to live for you I lost the will to live at all the day you came
It'll never be the same but I will love you just the same
You were to be the first, how wonderful
Now I will always fear to hope again

The irony Of seeing me whispering through her skin
So joyfully To our child there deep within
Or of when she called to me To tell me cheerfully
That she had seen your shape On a hospital screen
And of nurses being concerned That you never moved or turned
Too late we see the warnings Too late we learn

I never saw your face and now you're gone without a trace
Except the trace of blood that's deeply scarred into my eyes To fill your place
It'll never be the same but I will love you just the same
I was prepared to be your father How can I ever prepare for that again?

Still I follow that trace of blood Always leading back to you
Hollow years of damming that flood Two young souls in misery

Missing you... missing you...


This Heart Of Mine

I lie awake watching your shoulders
Move so softly as you breathe
With every breathe you're growing older
But that is fine if you're with me

I pledge to wake you with a smile
I pledge to hold you when you cry
I pledge to love you till I die
Till I die

The rays of dawn plays on your eyelids
A sleeping beauty dressed in sun

I will wake you with a smile
I will hold you when you cry
I will love you till I die
Till I die
Till I die

I believe this heart of mine when it tells my eyes
That this is beauty
I believe this heart of mine when it tells my mind
That this is reason
I believe this heart of mine when it cries at time
That this is forever
I believe this heart of mine when it tells the skies
That this is the face of God

I lie awake watching your shoulders


Rope Ends

She is still young...

Another day of emptiness
This life is wearing her down
The room around her is a mess
Her children safe with her mom

She is still young but feeling old
Two children with different fathers
She sits on the bathroom floor alone
The shower chain broke
Her neck hurts

Then another night of emptiness to wear her down
Naked to the world she wraps her sadness in a gown
Her children fast asleep she sears the dark with glassy eyes
Choosing carefully among her husband's business ties

"Over!" she cries through rope ends and silk ties
Beautiful life escaping her young blue eyes
But life holds her hand, refusing to let go
Leaving her breathing on the floor

They're still asleep don't hear her cry
And she's still obsessed with rope ends
This time she picks a stronger tie
With Winnie the Pooh and friends

She is still young but feeling old
A child dying to be a mother
Now she hangs from the ceiling all alone
All pressure is falling from her

Seeing guilt has taught her guilt she's raised on disbelief
Merely twenty beautiful but with a taste for grief
She has learnt all that there is to know about hopelessness
Seeing that no effort in this world can stand her test

"Over!" she cries through rope ends and silk ties
Beautiful life escaping her young blue eyes
And Winnie is strong, would never let her fall
Prevents her from breathing till she's not there at all
But life holds her hands, refusing to let go
Leaving her breathing on the floor

Seeing guilt has taught her guilt she's raised on disbelief
Merely twenty beautiful but with a taste for grief
She has learnt all that there is to know about helplessness
Seeing that no caring in this world can ease her stress

Helpless she lies in rope ends and undies
Unseeing eyes fixating Eeyore's smile
"Over!" she cries as she's going unblind
Still in this life
Still in this troubled mind
The ceiling let go, the old house let her fall
Dropping her breathing to the hard cold floor
Hitting her head - a broken china soul
Red stains on porcelain and she's not there at all

Breathing she cries for rope ends and silk ties
Beautiful eyes Piglet stands shy behind
Broken she lies undead and unblind
Beautiful life
Beautiful crying young eyes
Blackened and bruised, learning how to see
Staring at her tooth - crimsoned ivory
Hours they pass this broken china soul
Red stains on porcelain
And she's not there at all...

"...and years later I would find You hanging
alas the subte irony in shortering life with an extension lead
before I could get You down I died so many times...
thoughts about running to the kitchen for a knife to cut You down
but I learned that there is no way of leaving the room
when someone is hanging from the ceiling
Your body just won't allow You that rest
You stay
to watch her face slowly turn blue
finally to let You weight add to hers
doubling the burden
awaking her to the burden
that brough her there in the first place:
LIFE"

"The Sisters of Solitude...

They love and hurt, break and are broken, the sisters of solitude
They cannot shake the dust from the ground
Cannot rise from the ashes, the sisters of solitude
They reach out to embrace the world, good and evil, weak and strong
They will settle for nothing less, the sisters of solitude
They love that they be loved, give that they be given
Hurt that they get hurt, the sisters of solitude
Hence, one loses weight by the second
Throws up what she can instead of what she cannot
Hence, two have tried to hang themselves, too strong to shut life out
Yet too weak to live it
Hence, the little one dissapears, melts into the walls, stands back
Agrees, unsatisfied
They all carry the end of the world in their chests
Heirs of sadness and irony, of settling for less, of bitter consent
Of mothers and mothers of solitude
They all carry to break free, the sisters of solitude
I fear them all so...
I love them all so..."


Chain Sling

"Please let me be yours please never leave
Please stay here close to me
All love we shared where is it now?
Please let me be better than I was
Please don't give up on us
The thought of leaving you - I don't know how"

"I can feel the pain you have inside
I see it in your eyes
Those eyes that used to shine for me
I can feel the wildness in your heart
That's tearing us apart
My love how can I help if you don't want me?"

"There is nothing you can do to help me now
I am lost within myself as so many times before
There's nothing you can do to ease my pain
I am so, so sorry but if you love me you must let go"

Two young souls in the dance of a chain sling
Love once born from the ink of Solitude
Bidding to dance in the swing of a rope end
Walking their Remedy Lane
trough this interlude of pain

Who will be there now?
When I lose one true love?
(When I lose my love)
I am falling now
Darkness below and above

There is nothing you can do to help me now
I am lost within myself as so many times before
There's nothing you can do to ease my pain
I am so, so sorry but if you love me you must let go

Two young souls in the dance of a chain sling
Love once born from the ink of Solitude
Bidding to dance in the swing of a rope end
Walking their Remedy Lane through this interlude of pain

Who will be there now When I lose my one true love?
(I am falling now)
Have I lost Myself? To love someone else...

"Please let me be yours please never leave
Please stay here close to me
All love we shared where is it now?
Please let me be better than I was
Please don't give up on us
The thought of leaving you..."

I DO NOT KNOW HOW


Dryad Of The Woods

"Then came a girl
A dryad of the woods
with a sing over her door saying
"If you enter
You must forgive me everything!"
With a heart too big and brave
To let me dissapear
And still I hear
"May I sleep at your feet?"
And so she went over my fence
And reached out a hand
That I had to take
That I just had to take

...love
never let me
lose that love
never let me
lose that love
never let me
lose that love
never...

Sometimes, forgiving will
just take you one step too far
and you find yourself on Remedy Lane

Sometimes forgiving is too much
like self abuse

Sometimes forgiving leaves
too much sear tissue behind

Even if I could one day learn
to forgive you everything
Could I learn to forgive myself?

probably
I simply
didn't
understand
the full
notion of
the world
forgive"


Second Love

"We are eleven and she is the love of my life
But one week from now she will turn her back on me
Four years from now she will give me hope, then sleep with my best friend
Five years from now it is the two of us but by then there is nothing
left of this aching love amd this soaring love.
But I don't know that now
Because we are eleven and she is the love of my life."

Day after day
Nothing's changed you're far away
But I need you to know that I can't sleep anymore
By the nights
Night after night
The stars are shining so bright
Though our pain is larger than the universe tonight

I want you to know I can't sleep anymore
By the nights
By the nights
Day after day I want you to say
That you're mine
You are mine

Year after year
Tear after tear
I feel like my heart will break in two
You came like a wind I couldn't defend
You cut my heart so deeply
The scars won't mend

I'll never believe in love anymore
After this
After this
Can never change or rearrange
What we lost
What we lost

Time after time
I am wasting my time
Living in a past where I was strong
But now I am gone
I leave no shadow when I'm alone
I'll stay forever in my dreams where you are near

Want you to know I can't sleep anymore
By the nights
By the nights
Day after day I want you to say
That you're mine
You're mine